I’m Homeless!

Just kidding, I’m not really homeless, but I am out of my own home right now … and I will have been out of it for a week tomorrow. At first it was kinda crappy – I am SO lucky my boyfriend’s parents always welcome Kaison & I. Kaison does a great job at making himself at home too! It’ll be an interesting change when it’s time to go back to our apartment, I know Kaison has enjoyed staying home from school with his Gigi since last Thursday! It is going to be a nightmare tomorrow because he has to go back. I do not look forward to waking him up, especially since #1) he will not be happy to go back & #2) I will have to wake him up a lot earlier!

Friday & Monday I left work at 7AM from my boyfriend’s parents’ & hit so much traffic! Needless to say, I hit the same horrific traffic on my way home from work both days too. After Monday’s traffic to and from work – I decided I am going to suck it up and leave an hour earlier so I can get off an hour earlier in hopes to miss traffic both ways! Which I did on the way TO work – actually got to work over 20 minutes earlier than I planned to be at work! I guess I will see if leaving at 4 is a good time to depart work & avoid traffic today too. Honestly, I have gone back and forth with considering a place in Fayette County, their school system is one of the best – and while the school system Kaison will be entering (given I stay in the area) is also pretty good – Fayette County’s is better. It’s a nice little city too – but not 100% sure just YET. I love the super closer commute I have now – but my area isn’t the idea setting for Kaison. I want to live in a more suburban area – which I do not think I’ll find in my area, unless I move further out … which turns inconvenient for my boyfriend.

Anyway – enough rambling! Back to work!


I Do It All…

Before I start, I usually don’t like to talk about my “single mother issues” but,  I feel like I need to vent – I am currently having a “FML” moment 😦

I guess I spoke too soon when I said my life is pretty “stree-free” – which, in all aspects it is, except when it comes to money.

I do it all for my son. I went to college. I graduated. I got a job. I have benefits. My son has health insurance. He’s in a good daycare. He has a roof over his head in our own home together. He eats well everyday. He has all the toys, movies, clothes, shoes… anything he could ever want or need (without going beyond the point of being spoiled). I take him to the doctor when he’s sick, I buy the medicines he needs to get better. And above all, I pay for everything – everything. And I do whatever I can to make sure I am able to pay for everything he needs.

I do get help from his father’s side of the family: $150 a month.
Daycare is $155 per week.
And that is all I am going to say about that.

But in all honesty – venting, complaining or even talking about this situation means nothing, because it won’t change anything. It brings me to tears of frustration that I have all these things to handle physically & financially for my son & I have to find some way to afford it because I am the only one who is worried about being able to afford it. Because if I can’t pay whatever bill that needs to be paid on behalf of our son it lands on me. So, why should he care to help out with a bill or financial responsibility that won’t have any consequence to him anyway? Why should he get a job to help afford all the things his son needs?

I am trying my hardest to not “dog him out” – but I’ll say this, being a daddy doesn’t make you a father. I have to stay strong for my son even when I feel like breaking down.


A Girlfriend’s Sacrifice

Before you read all that I wrote – you are probably wondering “Why would she be so public about this?” Well, because I can – and because I need to get my reasons  out there  for this final break up. This will serve as a reminder to myself too – on why I made this decision. It’s pretty much a “compilation” of shit on top of shit that I went through/put up with until I finally hit the last straw … again.

I sacrificed so much.

(And yes, while I am sure he sacrificed too – this is MY blog and this is going to be about ME.)

These past few weeks/months I’ve sacrificed a lot.
Getting to work on time.
My gas.
My mileage.
My time.
Leaving work early so you won’t have to wait an hour after you get off for me.
Anywhere you wanted to go, I took you. Anything you wanted from the store, I went and got for you.

I even made arrangements during my time off for Christmas to have someone drive up 2 hours to pick me & your son up to take me back down 2 more hours so you would have my car to take yourself back and forth to work.

I have been the sole caregiver for our son since day 1.
I only asked you once to bathe your son – and that was an explosion
You felt the need to “throw in my face” you gave Kaison a bathe every night while I was in school (which was only twice a week for maybe 2 months, then only once a week for another 2 months or so – big whoop) – but how dare you try to put that on a pedastal when  you know damn well how many times I’ve given that child a bath. I told you I just wanted a break for once – and that you should see that I deserve one, but you don’t see that – you tell me you don’t get breaks with you have a child – but what are you doing while I’m bathing, feeding, changing, playing & putting him to bed? Oh yea, that’s right – you’re doing whatever you want to do. And none of that is to tear you down and to say you are a horrible father, but don’t you ever think you have the right to tell me I don’t deserve a break, and give me hell because I tore you away from your video game to give your own son a bath. I remember I told you when you were done “Don’t worry, I’ll never ask you to give your son a bath again.” I imagine you were fine with that, because not once after that did you ever offer to give him a bath again.

I buy his food, diapers, toys, clothes, pay for doctor visits, medicine, anything he needs – and you couldn’t even give me $20 the one time I asked you for it so I could get him diapers. I go broke for my son because his father doesn’t want to “always use HIS money”.

Money – it appears that always has been an issue with us. I don’t even know if I have it left him me to get into the money issues – but honestly, that is a major thing that broke me away from you. Regardless of what you say, think or do – you did not willingly support me financially.

I can’t stay with someone who thinks only about themselves. Someone who claims that they can’t take me out just once because they don’t have the money, or that we need to wait until we get “going out money” – but yet you’ve bought about 4 six packs of beers and spent $20+ at a liquor store. When you do give me money – first I get hounded with the question “Why are you always broke?” – and like I always, I tell you its because I don’t get enough money for you for bills. But God forbid you ever pay more the an estimated number I gave you before we moved in… And then I have to always hear how I put you out XX amount of money because you had to give me money. Great support.

To this day, I only have $12 in my account – and you have $200. But now you come out with “I still have to grocery shop” –  that’s funny, its okay for you to have all the money for the things you need to do – and yes you do grocery shop for the household – but guess what – all the money you give me – I use it to pay the bills for the household.  I’m tired of being treated like you think the money you give me is money I just go shopping with – if that were the case then I’m sure you’d see some nice new things coming in the house for me – and you know very well you haven’t.

But what we do have is a house to live in, power, water, gas, cable, internet – I make sure all of that it paid for even if it cuts into my own money and in the end causes me to go broke. But you don’t see that – you see you give me X amount of money – and then I’m broke and mad at me because I have to ask for “YOUR” money. It’s funny, because before the move you talked so much on how whatever money we have left over after the bills should be even between us – ha! Nice concept thrown out the window.

IDK……. this post may or may not be called for – but it’s time for me to stand up for myself. I know we paint a pretty picture – I mean we have a house, a beautiful son, and we live together – the picture couldn’t look more perfect … but I am tired. I am tired of the lack of affection, attention, support I get behind closed doors. I know he thought everything was dandy because I kept my mouth shut – I didn’t say anything. Because if I did – then I’m just nagging and he doesn’t want to hear it … so I don’t speak up. But I can’t live the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t care to see me go broke for our shared bills because they want to make sure their “situation” is covered. I can’t spend the rest of my life with someone who claims they can’t take me out just once while we are alone because they don’t have “going out money” – but they sure as hell have alcohol money. I can’t spend the rest of my life with someone who can’t buy me a $3 Blizzard, but turns right around (after I buy my own Blizzard) and buys themselves a Red Bull and another six pack of beer from a gas station. I can’t spend the rest of my life with someone who thinks that me being upset at not being taken out just once is small & petty. I can’t spend the rest of my life with someone who can’t see it’s selfish to spend all your money on alcohol, but not to take your girlfriend out like she asked. And above all, I can’t spend the rest of my life with someone who belittles all the problems I share that I have with you. If you can’t truly see what and why I’m bothered and want out of this relationship – then its time to let it go.

I’m sure I resemble the boy who cried wolf to all my friends and family, because all of you have been down this road with me … but honestly, in all the times before – I never put in perspective the rest of my life. I never looked and asked myself “Can I spend the rest of my life like this?” I was just always set on thinking “Maybe if I do this different this time around, it’ll be better – maybe he will start putting me and Kaison first” – but this time around, in due time, it proves to be the same. And it is time I genuinely accept he won’t change.

Hell, we never even had an exact anniversary date!!


My World is Gone

My world is gone, and staying in MS… only for a little while though, not forever. But still – I feel like my little world is gone 😦 I feel like … BLAH …. like, whatever – and all I’d like to do right now is go back home and crawl into bed. I know I can’t do that though, because my whole objective to “sending” him to MS to stay with his grandparents is because 1 – well, he gets to spend time with his grandparents that live 6 hours away, and 2 – which is the most  important – I get more “free time” to focus on school, homework, and graduating! I know this time away from my son will be worth it, but as of right now, I’m finding it hard to focus.

I miss him, I missed him last night and I missed him this morning. And I know I’m going to miss him everyday until his grandparents bring him back. I also know he’s having a great time with them and the rest of his cousins in MS. I know he’s in great hands with family that simply adores him. I am thankful they are willing to keep him in their care while I take this time to focus. They are good people to take on a toddler who isn’t even two yet and is playing out the terrible two’s already! I’m happy I have them to rely on. 🙂

I have a lot going on while he isn’t here – school being the most important thing, of course. Then – it’s that time of the year, time to MOVE! I hate packing, but it’s gotta be done some way or another… blah… Okay, time to post a few (well, two) pictures.


“University of South Panola” (high school)