0

The Things That Are Out of My Control

Tomorrow is the big day: my closing day! And while I am more excited than I could express over this amazing accomplishment in my life – I realized, I am living my life backwards. While I understand there is not “order” or “correct way” to live your live – as a young child you have always heard the tune:

“Blanky-blank and Blah-blah sittin’ in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage!!”

Yea … I definitely have accomplished things backwards. But what I have come to accept is the fact that I have achieved every goal in my life that I have wanted to achieve that I am in control of. I have a college degree, I have a full-time job, I have a child and now I own a home. The only thing missing is marriage, and that is the one thing I cannot achieve or accomplish on my own. All I can simply do is wait. And yes, I do say wait because hell – we haven’t even been together for a full 2 years! But, I know he’s the one – I know he’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I would love a ring right now! But, I have to remind myself that it will come … in due time, it will come 😉 Oh, and he’s assured me of that too!

TOMORROW I WILL BE A HOME OWNER!

0

To My Ex: I Thank You

As I sit here, eating my delicious soup I made the night before – I think about how spicy it is, and how the spiciness must come from the Rotel. I wondered if all Rotel varieties were spicy – and I knew one person who might know – my son’s father: my ex. The reason he is the first person who comes to mind when I think about Rotel is because when I met him, that was the first time I had ever heard of Rotel. He liked to cook – and he is pretty good at it. The first meal he ever cooked for me (and his friend) was chicken Rotel. It was very tasty, but also quite spicy! And I was told it was because of the Rotel.

Looking back, I remember he was always the main one to cook our dinner just about every night (on the nights he was home, that is). I’d get my one or two nights of cooking one of the few meals that was familiar to me – so I wouldn’t mess it up. I used to always mess up spaghetti, it always came out bland. I even messed up a salad once. Since then, he always took over in the kitchen.

We never had the best relationship – it wasn’t the worst, but we definitely weren’t meant to be together. For some reason, we’d always find ourself back together, “trying to make it work”. It’s not uncommon for most people to have that one, unhealthy relationship that you’re stuck in – going round and round in a vicious circle of make-up’s and break-up’s. His talent for cooking was one of the reasons I stayed with him. Now I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. I was never that great of a cook, and there were only a handful of meals I could cook on my own – that didn’t taste completely awful. My ex provided me great tasting dinners, night after night. 

It’s now been over a year since we broke up, the longest we have ever stayed apart before making up. I know this is truly the last time –  we will never get back together. The reason I am writing this is because – years ago, I was a poor excuse of a cook with him – and now, without him, I am an awesome cook 🙂  I have grown so much more being without him, than I ever did with him. Today, I am the most awesome person I can be and I am also with the most awesome person I could ever be with. I am thankful for that. I thank my ex for helping me to grow without him. Charles Willis, II – I love you so much!

So I thank you
Said I thank you

Yes I thank you

For making me a woman

Read more: ESTELLE – THANK YOU LYRICS

0

Round of a Applause

I need to take the time to call out the fact that I have an amazing boyfriend.

He puts me first, and makes time for me – all the time 🙂

This past weekend he was invited out with some friends – and while he wanted me to go with him, I couldn’t because I had no babysitter…so he didn’t go either.

There was a time where I had a boyfriend who would leave me at the drop of a dime to go out with friends – and leave me with our son at home. I was never invited out with him, and he never even thought to take me. He would always go out with them.

So to finally have a man, who chooses to stay in with me because I can’t go – because of a child that isn’t even his means the world to me. There truly are good men out there – and there won’t be a moment that goes by that I recognize it.

0

Fresh Start, New Beginning

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve started this blog. I can’t believe I’ve kept this blog for this long! A lot has changed since I started – I’ve blogged about the good & the bad I’ve experienced…continuing to grow from each entry.

A year ago I was with my son’s father – trying to make it work… but – in the end, some people just are not meant to be together, even if they did create a life together. But I will say, where I am at today is a good place, a very good place. I am happy. Extremely happy! My life is drama-free, stress-free (that is, when my 2 year old toddler isn’t driving my up the wall! haha), I’m working my baby clothes line again, & everyone around me is in good health.

I was also very lucky to have met a very awesome man on a boat at an old high school friend’s wedding reception 3 months ago – and I am proud to say I am now his girlfriend 🙂 I’ve been in relationships before, and I know this is going to sound cliche but, this one is definitely different from the rest. First of all, he isn’t a jerk, he’s genuinely a nice guy! And I love it, I love having a guy in my life who’s nice to me, someone who’s good to me – and does nice, small gestures that shows he cares. He’s into me, spends time with me, and likes to go out with me! (WHAAAAT!?!) He’s also great with my son, which means everything to me. He’s really making a special place in mine & Kaison’s lives. I never knew this type of guy existed, and I’m happier than ever that I’ve been able to find him. I don’t want to get too ahead of myself – or gush like crazy about all the amazing things about him – so I’ll just leave this short & sweet 🙂

Besides, I think it’s pretty obvious that I think he’s a freakin’ phenomenal human being who makes me extremely stinkin’ happy everyday! Love you guys & I love my life!

2

On a boat!

My lengthy story on how I met a pretty amazing man who I couldn’t be happier is in my life today 🙂

On May 12th I attended an old middle/high school friend’s wedding. Her wedding was held at a church in Pooler, GA – but her reception was held on a boat in Savannah, GA. When my good friend, Stephanie & I hear about that, we were pretty stoked! I’ve never been on a boat for a wedding reception! At the time – her & I were super cool friends with my ex & his good friend. We were all really good friends – with no romantic intentions involved; well at least not on mine & my ex’s end, but little did Stephanie now, his friend did have feelings for her. With her unaware of this, both of us decided to invite them as our “dates” to the wedding! We were stoked about it for weeks! Fast forward to Cinco de Mayo – all falls apart – to make a long story short – our wedding “dates” were no longer our dates.

At the same time – Stephanie was talking/seeing/dating new a guy & I was somewhat “talking” to someone too. It was less serious than Stephanie’s, but nonetheless I was involved with him. After we lost our dates to the wedding, we decided to go solo to the wedding – but I started spending more time with the guy I was involved with, so I asked him to go to the wedding. He said yes. Fast forward again to the week before the weekend of the wedding – to shorten another long story, here’s a dialogue between me & my guy “friend”:

ME: IDK if you still want to go with me to the wedding because I have to leave tomorrow morning at 7AM

GUY: …. Oh wow, okay well you two have fun!

Guy friend – no longer coming. So Stephanie & I are really dateless for the wedding! Which was 100% a-okay with me since I have never had a dull moment with Stephanie. Okay, fast forward again to the day of the wedding. Stephanie & I get up and head to Savannah! We get there, walk River Street for an hour & make it back to the hotel with just enough time to get ready. Unfortunately –  since Google Maps wanted to send us a least a good 2 miles PAST the church, we spent the entire time our friend was saying her vows wondering around LOST! It wasn’t until I decided we should head back that we FINALLY found the church. And we were locked out 😦

We waited and waited, and finally the doors opened up and people came out. I feel so bad for missing her wedding ceremony, but we truly tried our hardest to find that church! Stephanie & I made our way inside the church to find our other friend Debbie, who was able to catch the ceremony. We all walked back outside and had our own small photo shoot – like we used to do back in our high school days 🙂

I remember while we were standing outside, a guy caught my eye. He was tall & clean cut – but all I saw was the back of him most of the time . He was wearing a purple shirt, and had on black framed glasses – something about him was very attractive to me. I couldn’t help but keep glancing over to the small circle of people he was with to try and see his face! In the end, I never saw it before they all walked off. Once he was gone, I figured “Oh well, maybe I’ll see him on the boat” – and we continued our mini photo shoot.

When we got back River Street to board the boat I made the dumb decision to wear my heels! Stephanie was smart enough to wear her flip flops, but me on the other hand – no I had to look cute! Let me tell you, the struggle I went through to walk down the steep stairs and all over the cobblestone was not worth looking cute for anyone! It felt like it took me a century to walk over all of that to get to the boat! I even almost broke an ankle when I rushed too fast to get to the flat sidewalk! A man saw it all and said “DAMN! You ok?!” Haha – yea… no words.

Anyway – FINALLY! We make it to the line to board the boat, we board the boat – and no where do I see “man in the purple shirt”. I kind of chalk it up to a loss – and figure A) he’s not coming or B) if he does, he probably won’t end up sitting ANYWHERE near me & in that case, I’ll never speak to him at all. So I continue to enjoy my time with my friends – drinking & taking more pictures! Then, when I get up to go to the bathroom, I actually pass the man in the purple shirt on my way to the potty! I was pretty happy to see him boarding the boat, but at the same time I am horrible when it comes to making eye contact with people I know, so even more so with strangers! So I just walk past him and go handle my business. While I’m in the bathroom, I already knew they wouldn’t be sitting anywhere near us still, since we were in the back by the food (thanks to Debbie! haha) – so I try playing it cool when I walk out since I knew I had to walk past him anyway.

I make it to my table, and sure enough, he isn’t sitting anywhere near me! So I talk with my friends and then next thing I know, they’ve moved tables and he’s sitting directly behind me! You have no idea how much more pumped I felt inside, but I held my composure. I remember telling Stephanie though “He’s cute, I’m gonna talk to him” – and she would just laugh at me. I also told her “I’m gonna make him my boo” – I was joking of course at the time, because knowing my luck he had a girlfriend already, or wouldn’t be interested – & I had the guy I was involved too, whatever that was.

So we go through a drink, and grab our finger food before the main dishes come out. During this entire time – I never say a word to the man in the purple shirt even though I was dying to! Then soon enough, it was time to eat! They call us up table by table when we can make our way to the buffet line – I wasn’t too worried about who I was behind, but somehow I ended up behind the man in the purple shirt! As usual, I try playing it cool – but I freaked out a little when the boat started moving and I was still standing! Next thing I know, someone asked me, “So, have you ever been on a boat before?” – WHAT!!!!!! HE talked to ME first! WHAT!!!! I was so caught off guard I can’t even remember what I said – but I sure tried my best to keep up our convo through that entire buffet line 😉 And the rest… is the beginning of something pretty amazing.

I had no idea a picture was captured of us talking in the line, but I call this: Where it all started

Image

In the end, I found it crazy – because originally I was supposed to have brought another guy, but since he bailed I was able to meet a man who has been making me happier than I never thought possible! It’s only been just shy of 2 months since meeting him, but I will say: he’s the one 😉

To be continued…..

0

I Love You: A Message to Myself

I feel like I used to have so much confidence in myself. I feel like I used care more about my well-being & myself before I threw anyone else’s before me.

I love you…. such a strong statement. I don’t think many people nowadays realize what it means to genuinely love. To genuinely love someone (in my opinion) is to find a piece of you that is willing to give. Many people aren’t givers…. maybe because we are naturally selfish? Even as I write this I question myself … I question, “Is what I am writing true?” “What if someone else finds what I am saying false…and calls me out?”

When did I start caring so much about what other people think about me? When did I start second guessing myself so much??

Maybe because I started to actually listen to everything anyone had to say about me. I like to believe I’m a pretty passionate, loving, & especially a nurturing person. I love to love & I love to show people I care. Because in return, all I want is to be loved & cared for…. & I mean truly cared for, in the same way that I’m willing to care about someone else.

But I believe for 4 years, I was giving all my love & care to someone who wasn’t necessarily on the same level with me when it came to love & care. But I pushed & I tried so hard to gain that. I thought to myself…. With every ounce of love I shed maybe I’ll gain a gram of love in return. Maybe that wasn’t love? Maybe it wasn’t true love? Or maybe it was only true love on my part? With all of that I feel confused…but what I am sure about is the fact that it has changed who I was 5 years ago to who I am today.

Who I am today is a mother, first & foremost: A mother that will do anything on God’s green earth for her child. My son is my world, and my world has come to revolve my son. Sometimes I question if that is a good thing or not… because a mother’s love is always amazing, but I feel I now define myself as just a mom. My son’s happiness is my happiness. I hate to hear him cry, & I hate to see him unhappy. I hate to see him hurting, uncomfortable or in any sort of pain. But I feel like those feelings are not just limited to my son, I do not believe they started there either.

I believe they started with his father. Now, no one likes confrontation… and of course I have had my fair share of arguments with past boyfriends. But I have no idea why it all changed with my son’s father. For years, I wanted his “approval” … to feel like I was a gift to him to have as his girlfriend, because for some crazy reason, I felt that way about him. For years I wanted him to choose me before his friends, I wanted him to choose to go out with me on the weekends instead of his friends. But I failed for many years, thinking I was the reason he never wanted to choose me. It took years later for me to realize, those were his decisions & once someone has made up their mind there isn’t many things you can do to change it, especially if they don’t care.

I guess I’m writing this to bring a lot of stuff to the light that has been in the dark in my own head. I just want to give myself a better understanding of myself, my transformation. I want the old Kasey back; the happy, carefree & yet still loving Kasey. Although I will say there was a point in my life where I was very selfish, & didn’t even realize when I was hurting someone else. It took me getting hurt in the same instance to realize the hurt I inflicted on other people. I guess it is hurt that changed me… made me less desensitized & more sensitive.

On another note…I had a discussion on loving me. I have had one good friend tell me I need to love myself first… & while they did tell me this, they never said I don’t … they just said you need to learn to love yourself first before you can love someone else. But I did hear from another friend that they think I don’t love myself. And for a good day, I beat myself up over it…thinking I’m in no way shape or form good enough to be anyone’s anything. That’s a pretty depressing feeling to feel down on yourself, especially when in the beginning you didn’t think anything was that terribly wrong with you. While I will agree & admit I did place myself in the vicious circle of break up to make-ups with my son’s father for years…. But don’t we all have room for improvement? So today, I have been reflecting on how I feel, why I feel the way I feel – and that I realized one big common error I’ve been making: I started to let other people rule my feelings. And that comes down to why one friend said “You don’t love yourself…you put other people before you.” And crazy enough, they were right. Somewhere in within the past 4 years I started caring more about what other people would think instead of caring about what mattered most – me. That is the key to my happiness that I seemed to have lost so many years ago. I put HIS happiness before mine – and got used to not making myself happy first, or even at all.

GREAT GOOGILY MOOGILY! I have made a revalation! So with all this being said… and reaching this epiphany the only way I can go from here is UP and working on making myself happy first. It’s time I start taking others’ opinions with a grain of salt. Because in the end, I am what matters most.

0

My World is Gone

My world is gone, and staying in MS… only for a little while though, not forever. But still – I feel like my little world is gone 😦 I feel like … BLAH …. like, whatever – and all I’d like to do right now is go back home and crawl into bed. I know I can’t do that though, because my whole objective to “sending” him to MS to stay with his grandparents is because 1 – well, he gets to spend time with his grandparents that live 6 hours away, and 2 – which is the most  important – I get more “free time” to focus on school, homework, and graduating! I know this time away from my son will be worth it, but as of right now, I’m finding it hard to focus.

I miss him, I missed him last night and I missed him this morning. And I know I’m going to miss him everyday until his grandparents bring him back. I also know he’s having a great time with them and the rest of his cousins in MS. I know he’s in great hands with family that simply adores him. I am thankful they are willing to keep him in their care while I take this time to focus. They are good people to take on a toddler who isn’t even two yet and is playing out the terrible two’s already! I’m happy I have them to rely on. 🙂

I have a lot going on while he isn’t here – school being the most important thing, of course. Then – it’s that time of the year, time to MOVE! I hate packing, but it’s gotta be done some way or another… blah… Okay, time to post a few (well, two) pictures.

MY WOLRD

“University of South Panola” (high school)