The Things That Are Out of My Control

Tomorrow is the big day: my closing day! And while I am more excited than I could express over this amazing accomplishment in my life – I realized, I am living my life backwards. While I understand there is not “order” or “correct way” to live your live – as a young child you have always heard the tune:

“Blanky-blank and Blah-blah sittin’ in a tree
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage!!”

Yea … I definitely have accomplished things backwards. But what I have come to accept is the fact that I have achieved every goal in my life that I have wanted to achieve that I am in control of. I have a college degree, I have a full-time job, I have a child and now I own a home. The only thing missing is marriage, and that is the one thing I cannot achieve or accomplish on my own. All I can simply do is wait. And yes, I do say wait because hell – we haven’t even been together for a full 2 years! But, I know he’s the one – I know he’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I would love a ring right now! But, I have to remind myself that it will come … in due time, it will come 😉 Oh, and he’s assured me of that too!



I Do It All…

Before I start, I usually don’t like to talk about my “single mother issues” but,  I feel like I need to vent – I am currently having a “FML” moment 😦

I guess I spoke too soon when I said my life is pretty “stree-free” – which, in all aspects it is, except when it comes to money.

I do it all for my son. I went to college. I graduated. I got a job. I have benefits. My son has health insurance. He’s in a good daycare. He has a roof over his head in our own home together. He eats well everyday. He has all the toys, movies, clothes, shoes… anything he could ever want or need (without going beyond the point of being spoiled). I take him to the doctor when he’s sick, I buy the medicines he needs to get better. And above all, I pay for everything – everything. And I do whatever I can to make sure I am able to pay for everything he needs.

I do get help from his father’s side of the family: $150 a month.
Daycare is $155 per week.
And that is all I am going to say about that.

But in all honesty – venting, complaining or even talking about this situation means nothing, because it won’t change anything. It brings me to tears of frustration that I have all these things to handle physically & financially for my son & I have to find some way to afford it because I am the only one who is worried about being able to afford it. Because if I can’t pay whatever bill that needs to be paid on behalf of our son it lands on me. So, why should he care to help out with a bill or financial responsibility that won’t have any consequence to him anyway? Why should he get a job to help afford all the things his son needs?

I am trying my hardest to not “dog him out” – but I’ll say this, being a daddy doesn’t make you a father. I have to stay strong for my son even when I feel like breaking down.